Like any typical teenage girl i hardly eat. And what i do usually eat is junk but i get to be the one to go on a special weird diet thing that reminds me of the slim fast diet. its suppose to be good for teenage females and i get to be one of the first few hunderd teenage girls around the country you try it!
Its a chocolate(well says chocolate tastes more like powder) milkshake in the morning, a handful of grapes for a snack, a bar thing (which is again suppose to taste like chcolate but i'm not so sure) for lunch, then a banana for a second snack, and then a small meal of something(tonight scrambled eggs and dry toast), then a bag of these special buiscut things (that i guess are like mini cheddas but less cheesy)and thats all and i'm starving now. so i'm drinking loads of water and coffee to fill me up!
doesn't help that last night i was drinking, a whole bottle of champane and about 6 glasses of vodka npw i'm only 16 and dont drink alot so that can get me quite pissed and it makes you hungry! so i'm really hungry. and i can't eat!

Ok my last post put me on a downer thinkign about things so i called my friend and dealer James and he brought me more weed! So i'm getting high, feel free to tell me off but i like it

So its coming to summer again, which means, short skirts, shorts, sleaveless tops and bikini's which for me is a nightmare, i dont mind my body shape all to much i have curves all in the right places maybe a bit too much in some places and i have big enough boobs for a 16 year old girl. My problem revolves to whats on my arms, legs and stomach.
Being a self harmer for last 5 years or so can make your life very difficult and when half your family aint got a clue that you have these scars they can be hard to hide.
Showing them to the public doesn't fassel me i mean i seem them once (maybe twice if there lucky) in my life and they can form whatever judgement they like becuase i dont care.
Showing some of my friends is ok because there use to me having this problem and even a few have had it but gone passed it even though i've never been able too.
But showing my family is different, i dont get on with them anyway and since there part of the reason i do this to myself there a bit weary of what i might do.
My cousin constantly pushes me trying to drive me over the edge and she's even copied my self harming but she couldn't keep it up becuase "it hurt too much" but i like the pain. sounds a bit weird to you probably but its how i've coped since i was 11.
I dont know how to make them less visible, i tried bio oil last year and it worked well on my little scars but i have deeper ones aswell and it just made them that slight bit smaller. I need something better to help make them less visible to my family on holiday and when i'm not wearing long sleaves.
And something that i can learn to do instead, i've tried lots of things, punching pillows, thearapy(sp?), just screaming or breathng. the only thing that has ever worked is when i have someone like Dave, Ben, Nathean or Declan with me becasue they can litterally stop me with force.
I dont want one of my friends to become a constant minder of me thats just ruining there life aswell as mine. I would like an alternative but until one comes along that i can actually do and stick too well i guess i'll just have to keep covered.

Yer so i'm on "study leave" even though it doesn't begin til next Monday. But i'm going to town with Aaron tomorrow yahy and with Hetti and maybe Jackry.
oh big news Frankie my lovely friend fancy's Jack my gorgy ex who i still have a soft spot for and have almost nearly kissed twice in the past two days, but she may have him but he's going out with Kim who's in upper 6th and left today. so bit complicated not very interesting but thought i'd share.

But i was going to talk about the upper 6th leaving there a pub down the road from our school and they were all there with Mr Ridding and Mr Francis and they were all drunk1 and Mr Ridding came up to some of us becuase we were going home after lunch and he goes with pint in hand "you surrrd be en schoooool" my my teachers! what an example they set.

Why were big brothers invented?

I just made a pizza the only pizza i like becuase its thin basced and thee isn't alot of tomato pure and alot of cheese and my brothjer just wenmt and knicked half! so now i'm hungry and angry, puff need better siblings

Tired so i'll make this short.

At work today a kid millie projectile(sp) vomited all over herself and i so it was very disgusting and horrible today but she went down with out complainted but i was scared she would throw up again while asleep and choke but she didn't so it was ok.

Very tired and have to work my ass off tomorrow revising for my RS test thursday, and i dont know anything, well i do i'm top of the class(yer go me, go me) but i never remember anything when i'm in exam's.

but work and revsion are takign there tole and i just need a break

It's raining and i have school tomorrow so i can;t go out and get pissed! again, because i did it last night and everyone was going oh be careful and everything i dotn get it though i'm only going out drinking with loads of people and there not about to leave me on my own, why does every one care about me?

Ok so mum's driving along, im listening to music and then suddenly a guy in a white van in front of us stops and my mum brakes, everythings ok we stoped an inch away from the van no ones hit, then whack from behind another car full force skidded in the rain and leaves on the road hitting the back of our car.
Now i have a mark on my neck and chest where the seat belt rubbed against me and my neck hurts from being forced forward and my top is ruined from the bloody nose i got! puff great. Everyone was ok though just the cars were bad well the womans who hit us is, her front just collapsed while ours has a few transfer marks and a dent or two.
I just loved that top, any one know what could help get the blood out?

Ok so my friend Alex is here and were talking then his friends come round, some guys from a band we'll call one of them James* well we're all sat here talking, i have Lucie in my arms dosing off and this James guy starts flirting a little and well i'm a natural flirt i do it with out realising and meaning anything. People who know me know this and usually ignor it or just go along but dont do anything about it, but becuase this was the first time i met James he thought i was interested. Now i started talking about Declan, my boyfriend and what not trying to tell him no in a nice way but without actually saying it. But what does he do? He goes to kiss me and becuase i had Lucie in my arms maternal instinct just kicked in. I thought he was going for her because he just lunged in so what do i do? I hit him, hard. Poor lad got a bloody nose, thats about it though, unfortunatly. Alex and James's band mates did nothing but laugh.
But what do you expect i was the first person to hold this little girl, to feed her, i was the one who brought her up as a baby when her mother walked out leaving her with Alex a 17 year old boy with other things on his mind. And i was just a 13 yer old girl with no experience but i loved her and i helped him to get everything sorted out and i got his parents to realise everything would be ok. Then they said they were moving to New Zealand i got every thing ready for her over there, a nanny to watch her day and night and to help so Alex could keep going to school, a passport so she could go, the visa for her. Everything and then with that shock of that 3 year old being taken from her hotel well i was scared. I love her and i'd die to protect her.
Was funny though, but the best bit was, he tried it again about an hour later after i'd put Lucie to bed. This time i hit a little further down. Dont think he'll try it again though hopefully.

Interesting day, got took to casualty at 4am becasue i've got ill for the 3rd time in 6 weeks and i stopped breathing and couldn't stop shaking. Though i'm ok, i can breathe now since they gave me a few different pills to take an a weird inhaler(sp), aparantly my immune system has been damaged in some funny way and its not working properly so the slightest cold virus can make my body feel like its fighting off TB or something. Not good.
Also, Alex the guy who took my innocence when i was just 14 and 6 days and is the father of my god daughter rang today asking if i could look after Lucie(my god daughter) for a few days and i said yes thinking he meant in a few weeks(considering he lives in New Zealand) but then he says "great i'll bring her over from my parents in a few minutes"! so i had literally 5 minutes to get ready for my 3 year old god daughter! And do you know what he's doing? he's off shagging some blonde bimbo who is only after him for his money!(Alex and i both have very weathy fathers which is how we met, and by weathy i mean we both inherit something around 2 billion pounds when our fathers die, yer i no alot but what am i gonna do with it i'm only 16?)